What's in a name?

I am going through a divorce. I'm kind of used to the process, considering I started the thing in February, 2007. It's sort of been awhile. While I wait for things to move along (sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently), one of the thing that bothers me is the continued legal status of my name. Now, when I was married, I retained my maiden name as my middle name. So now I do use my maiden name in general. The exceptions are with employers for tax purposes, bank accounts, my license and social security card, and things that involve my children, because I use my married name that matches theirs, for now.

Sometimes this lack of closure really bothers me. I don't feel like I can get on happily with the rest of my life and officially put a chapter behind me. The name thing serves to drive this home on occasion. I'll be going along so well, then someone calls on the phone asking for me by my married name. It just seems so foreign to me now. It seems like something from long ago that still lingers and won't let me shut that door.

What's weird is writing my name. One of the first things we write as children is our name, first, then our last. When I write my maiden name, it flows right out. I just say the name in my head and it appears on paper. My married name was always strained. Not that this had some sort of mystical reflection on the marriage itself, which did go sour, but just the fact that it wasn't the natural name for me to write following my first name. In my head, I would have to spell it out letter for letter. And that's after 17 years of that name. On things I have to sign, I still find this a problem.

I don't know how long I'll be in limbo. Most days, it doesn't bother me at all except for the financial part. But when I hear that name following mine, it stirs a bit of hurt and anger inside. I hope that goes away someday.